When a family endures a shared tragedy, each person’s journey of healing may look vastly different. For some, professional therapy such as EMDR offers a lifeline. For others, a therapy-free approach—drawing strength from withdrawal, routine, work, community, or introspection, or —may feel more manageable. But what happens when two partners are grieving in entirely different ways? And how can one partner’s engagement with EMDR enhance not only their own healing but also the bond they share with their loved one?

In some relationships, one partner may choose EMDR or another form of therapy to work through their grief, while the other finds healing through self-reliance, work, or other non-therapeutic approaches. This divergence can sometimes create tension, misunderstandings, or feelings of isolation.

But healing doesn’t require both partners to walk the same path. When one partner is actively engaging in therapy, involving the other—at least peripherally—can create a bridge of understanding and mutual support. This can be especially valuable in cases where one partner might be skeptical of therapy or uncertain about its purpose.

When a grieving individual begins EMDR, inviting their partner to engage in some way can have a profound impact. This doesn’t mean both need to commit to therapy, but understanding what the therapy entails and why it’s being used can foster empathy, reduce doubts, and strengthen relational bonds.

  • Education

A partner might approach therapy with skepticism, viewing it as unnecessary or overly complex. Providing them with a straightforward explanation of EMDR’s purpose and process can alleviate these doubts. Therapists can describe how EMDR uses the brain’s natural capacity for healing to reduce distress associated with traumatic memories.

For instance, a therapist might say: “EMDR helps the brain reprocess difficult memories, reducing the emotional intensity attached to them. It’s like filing away a painful memory so it no longer dominates your mind.”

  • Normalising

Partners who don’t attend therapy might struggle to understand the emotional fallout after a session. Educating them on the normalcy of fatigue, sadness, or even temporary distress after EMDR can reduce their concerns. Explaining that these reactions are signs of the brain working through the trauma helps partners remain patient and supportive.

  • Space for shared healing

Partners can be invited to attend one or more sessions to discuss the therapy’s goals and how it fits into the broader grief process. This is particularly helpful when the therapist addresses the partner’s questions or doubts, creating a shared understanding of what the therapy hopes to achieve.

  • Respecting Different Paths

In cases where one partner chooses not to pursue therapy, it’s essential to respect their decision. People process grief in profoundly individual ways. For some, therapy provides structure and tools for healing; for others, healing comes through personal reflection, connection with others, or immersion in daily life. Neither approach is inherently better or worse—what matters is that each partner feels seen and supported.

A real-life example

Consider a couple navigating the profound loss of their child. One partner, burdened by the overwhelming memory of the event, sought EMDR therapy to process their grief. The other, skeptical of therapy, chose to immerse themselves in work and busyness as a coping mechanism. Initially dismissing therapy as “hocus pocus,” they reluctantly agreed to attend a session, hoping to understand their partner’s journey better.

During the session, the therapist carefully explained the science of EMDR and demonstrated bilateral stimulation through simple tapping exercises. This hands-on approach revealed that EMDR was not about erasing memories but rather about reducing the distress tied to them. Witnessing this, the skeptical partner’s perspective shifted. They later admitted, “I didn’t understand it before, but now I can see how it works. I feel better knowing they are getting the help they need.”

Although they didn’t feel the need for therapy themselves, their willingness to engage in the session had a powerful impact. Their partner felt seen, supported, and validated in their healing experince. Moreover, the experience gave the couple a shared language to discuss their grief, fostering deeper emotional connection and mutual understanding. Together, they found a way to honour their individual paths while strengthening their bond as they moved forward.

When a partner engages with the therapy process, even in a limited way, it can:

  • Build empathy: Understanding what the individual is experiencing reduces feelings of isolation and enhances relational support.
  • Normalise therapy: Addressing skepticism or doubts about therapy can make the partner feel more comfortable with the process, even if they choose not to participate themselves.
  • Strengthen relationships: Sharing in the healing journey fosters connection, even when each partner’s grief takes a different path.

Grief doesn’t follow a single script. When one partner chooses EMDR and the other opts for a therapy-free approach, both paths are valid. By engaging in the therapy process, even briefly, the partner who is not in therapy can gain insight into the other’s journey, offering crucial support and understanding.

Ultimately, healing as a couple doesn’t mean walking the same road—it means respecting each other’s paths while staying connected along the way. For couples navigating profound loss, this balance of individuality and shared support can create a foundation for enduring love and resilience, even in the face of unimaginable grief.

Originally published on LinkedIn